Today was quite possibly the worst day of my life.
No.
Today was the worst day of anybody’s life.
“Surely lepers have had worse days, since their faces are falling off”, you may say. I pity your ignorance.
When I got up this morning I made some toast but forgot that the last time I used the toaster I put it on a really high setting, so I ended up burning my toast. So I had to make another friggin piece. Seriously, toaster? Stop being totally gay. And before you politically correct nut-jobs attack me with your “Toasters don’t have sexual preferences, they’re inanimate objects” bull CRUD, let me remind you that all gay toasters are going to have to face God.
Anyway, I had to make another stupid piece of toast, and what’dya know? We’re out of G.D. strawberry jam so I had to use grape jelly and I hate grape jelly. I hate grape jelly more than anyone has ever hated anything. I hate grape jelly more than George Washington Carver hated racist peanuts, or whatever.
So I walk to school and when I get there who should stop me but our big dumb principal, telling me my outfit is inappropriate or something. Look mister necktie-blazer-slacks, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “If you got it flaunt it”. Well I “got” perfectly shaped butt cheeks, and if I wanna accentuate that feature, it is my first amendment right, right? He made me pull up my pants and I got off with a warning, but seriously, what is this crap? I think he’s intimidated because I’m a powerful woman.
During first period my Econ teacher was all pissy because I was putting makeup on during class. I explained to him that I lost time because I had to make another piece of toast because of my possibly homosexual toaster, and so I had to finish my daily beauty routine in class, but he didn’t care. I had to go to the stupid principal’s office anyway. I’m sick of being treated like a second-class citizen.
So after school I go home and get on tumblr to reblog cute pictures of baby animals wearing people clothes, when my dumb mom walks in like she’s the boss of me or something. And she’s all “Please take out the trash” and I’m like “I’m busy, ho!” and she’s all “Where did we go wrong?” and starts crying and crap. Whatever. I DGAF.
